This page provides information for lesbians experiencing violence and their support people.
Tena koutou wahine takatapuhi. He mihi aroha ki a koutou.
What to do if you're being abused:
• You have a right to be safe, to live and love in a community free from violence.
• Call 111 if you feel you are in danger. You can access Women's Refuge through the Police.
• Trust your feelings and intuition. It's not ok if you are frightened, feel like you're walking on eggshells or going crazy, feel unsafe and unhappy, or you think you can't do anything right.
• If you have been assaulted or terrorised, it's not your fault and you are not to blame. If you have hit back in self-defence or thought about hurting her, try to get help to understand your own feelings, anger and violence. You have a right to be safe and live in peace.
• Don't believe the excuses for her violence eg. "She's had a hard life" "It's the drink or drugs" "She's oppressed as a wahine takatapuhi " "She can't control her anger" "It's something you do that makes her violent". Remember, she makes the choice to be violent. She is controlling you to get her own way. There's no excuse for violence.
• Talk to people you can trust. You can call Women's Refuge 24 hours and speak anonymously to a Refuge advocate. You can ask for a lesbian advocate.
• Make a safety plan, whether you are staying with your partner or want to leave.
• Consider taking out a Protection Order. Women's Refuge can help you with information and suggest a good lawyer.
• Ask friends or whanau/family to help keep you safe, and support you in your choices. If they want to have more understanding about violence in lesbian relationships, they can read this website, or talk to a Refuge worker.• Educate yourself about the dynamics of lesbian violence and how to live free from violence.
Services for lesbians/wahine takatapuhi
Many Refuges have wahine takatapuhi/lesbian/queer women who are trained advocates. You can ask to speak to these women when you ring the crisis line. They may have to ring you back. You can make a time for a face-to-face meeting if you wish. If a lesbian/queer worker is not available you can call another Refuge in the neighbouring town.
Refuges have safe houses where you can go for time-out while you make your own choices. You will usually have your own room. Women's Refuge can provide support and advocacy for you even if you don't come into the safe-house.
Some Refuges run support groups for women who have experienced violence. These are usually mixed groups, but there are some around Aotearoa that are for lesbians only.
If you think that your partner may try to access Refuge services as well, tell the Women's Refuge advocate. We can ensure that she will not find out you are in the safe house.
If you feel you did not get the help you needed from Women's Refuge, please contact that Refuge or the National Office.
What can you do to help as a support person?
• Help her make a safety plan.
• Educate yourself about family violence and lesbian realities, and challenge your own homophobia.
• Acknowledge her pain, danger and fears and affirm her strengths and courage.
• Let her know that you will be there to support her.
What can you do as a professional working with lesbians experiencing violence?
• Don't assume that a woman's partner or abuser is a male
• Make your workspace a safe place with literature and posters that support lesbians and celebrate different sexual orientations
• If possible, have specialist workers to work with wahine takatapuhi/lesbian/ queer/bisexual women who use your services
• Challenge your own homophobia
• Be aware that the Domestic Violence Act (Protection Orders and education programmes) does cover same sex relationships
Refer to Helping someone else for further ideas and information on how to help women experiencing violence.
"Over the years wahine takatapuhi/lesbians have made a major contribution to the establishment of Women's Refuges. As a result, Women's Refuge has an affirmative policy regarding lesbian visibility. Local Women's Refuges encourage the participation of wahine takatapuhi/ lesbians – so there is support for us when we are in need".