If you want to help someone who is experiencing family violence, Women's Refuge can provide you with information and support.
Many of the women and children we see at Women's Refuge have been able to get out of a violent situation and go on to lead happy safe lives, because of the help and support of people like you. What you do and say can make a huge difference to their lives. Women may not be able to see what all the violence is doing to them and their children. They might not know where to go; they may think that they are to blame; or that no one will believe them; or they might feel ashamed and embarrassed. You can show them that other people do care.
The most important things you can do are:
• Don't judge
• Listen
• Believe.
Let her know it's not her fault.
Let her know that there are no excuses: Family violence is unacceptable.
Acknowledge the strength and courage it has taken her to get this far.
How to be supportive
Listen to what she has to say
Listen to her and affirm her. You don't have to have answers or reasons.
What NOT to say:
• Why don't you...just leave? think about the children?
• How can you...let this happen? still love the person?
• But...they do love you...they are a good parent...it only happened once.
• It was only...one punch.
• It's all because...they were drunk...they were having a hard time at work.
• Their culture is like that.
• They were abused as a child.
Don't make any excuses for the abuser.
Don't be afraid to raise the topic if she doesn't
• Show her some literature about family violence and talk about the topic generally without getting personal so that she can see you are sympathetic and non-judgemental.
• Tell her about what is happening to a "friend" of yours who is experiencing family violence and went to Women's Refuge for support (or tell her about your own experiences if you have been through it).
• Start with your concerns "I'm concerned that things are not going well for you at the moment".
Be a supportive friend
Your practical help might be what is needed most right now, as she may be very caught up in her emotions. A woman who has survived violence has learnt many ways of coping just to keep herself alive. When women overcome all the obstacles in their paths and leave a violent family, their strength and courage should be acknowledged.
Tell her your concerns
Tell her honestly if you are afraid for her life, or if you are concerned about the children. Let her know that you are sad she has had this violence in her life – no one deserves it. Tell her how you see what is happening to her and her children.
Allow her to make her own decisions
To emerge from a relationship with an abuser, women need to start to take their own power back and be in control of their own lives. It's important that women be able to make their own decisions to leave. Don't tell her what to do, but give her support and information so that she can make her own choices.
Allow her to express her emotions and reflect back to her
She may need some space to express her emotions. Listen without judging or offering your opinions. Repeat back to her what you are hearing from her. This can help her see the ‘big picture' of all the violence and the effect it is having on her life and the lives of her children.
Support her even if she decides to stay
It can be very difficult to watch the person you care for, return to live with the abuser. You might feel frustrated and angry with her. Leaving can be a long process - we have found that it takes 4-7 attempts to leave before women are successful. Leaving is also a very dangerous time for women - the violence can escalate. Try to support her and be there for her until she is strong and safe enough to leave.
Educate yourself
You can educate yourself about the many reasons why it is hard for women to leave.
However, this should not stop you acting if a woman or child's life is in danger, or if a child is suffering abuse or neglect. If at anytime, you believe there is a threat to their safety, call the Police or Child Youth and Family.
Look after yourself
It's hard work being a support person. In order to keep helping her, you need to look after yourself. You can get support for yourself from Women's Refuge or other support agencies.
Practical ways to help
Help her gather information
She might need to know about:
• Emergency accommodation
• Protection Orders
• Getting financial help
• Moving house
• Counselling
• Education/Support groups
Women's Refuge can help you with this information.
Help her make plans for her safety
Ask her what she needs while she is deciding what to do. Help her make a safety plan.
She may want:
• Someone to accompany her to the lawyers/Police/ doctors/Court/Work and Income
• Help with child care
• Transport
• Accommodation
• Another address to use for mail etc.
• Money or groceries/ clothes/ furniture/ toiletries
• Someone to stay with her at night
• Someone to keep encouraging her
• Someone to listen
• To get to an education/support group.
Think about the children's needs
Women can sometimes put so much energy into their own survival that they don't have much left for their children.
Children may need:
• Access to their favourite toys and games
• To see their friends and whanau/family members
• To feel reassured by familiar things and routines
• Help to understand what is going on
• To be protected from the details
• To not feel responsible for the break-up of the family
• To feel secure and safe
• To go to a children's group or counselling
• Good role models
• The freedom to be a child
• To talk about their feelings and emotions
• To see their father or understand why they can't see him
• To have a say in what impacts on them
• To know that you will keep any promise that you make
Refer to the sections of the site on Helping Children and Helping Young People. If you have immediate concerns for the safety of a child, contact Child Youth and Family or the Police