There are many ways of talking about violence against women and children in the home.


Domestic violence, family violence, partner violence, child abuse, battering, “domestics”, 'the bash' - they all refer to the same thing – violence against women and children.


• Family violence is violence by someone who has a close relationship or emotional bond with the person they are abusing e.g. partner, father, brother, flat-mate etc.
• The central factor in defining family violence or the battery of women and children is fear. The violence forms a pattern of power and control that makes women and children fearful and afraid for their lives.
• Violence is caused by the abuser's attitudes and behaviours. Domestic violence is not about a 'bad relationship'. Violence is not about just getting angry. Abusers make the choice to use violence to get what they want and to assert their control over women and children.
• Violence is not always obvious black eyes and bruises. The tactics used by abusers might be invisible to someone outside the family, they might seem trivial or random, but together the tactics have the effect of manipulating and controlling women and children, making them fearful.
• Violence against women and children in the home is backed up by systems in our society that blame the victim; put the ‘family' before the safety of women and children; tolerate the use of violence; and support men's perspectives over women's.

Violence has many negative effects on women and children. Violence affects all parts of our lives, such as physical and mental health, emotional well-being, financial resources, relationships and friendships, employment, and cultural connections.

Violence does not only affect those who are on the direct receiving end. Everybody suffers because of the high rates of violence in our whanau/families in Aotearoa New Zealand.

Violence can be psychological, physical, sexual, economic and/or spiritual.

Psychological Violence

  

Psychological violence is about the stuff that makes you feel like you are crazy and doubt yourself. It's about mind-games, coersion, manipulation and control.

Psychological violence is when they:
• Play mind games
• Threaten you
• Smash up your belongings
• Hurt your pets
• Do stuff that frightens you
• Stalk or follow you
• Don't let you make any decisions
• Stop you from seeing your friends and whanau/family
• Don't let you go out alone
• Deny the abuse “It wasn't much. Just one punch”
• Drive fast to make you feel really scared
• Criticise or make fun of you ethnicity or culture
• Call you racist names
• Get out a gun or knife
• Go crazy with jealousy
• Hit you then apologise and cry
• Keep you up all night while they rave on and tell you off
• Lie
• Swear and put you down “You're fat/ugly/lazy/stupid/mad”
• Humiliate you in front of your friends “You're a ho/bitch/slut”
• Threaten to tell the authorities “If you leave i'll report you to social welfare”
• Keep tabs on you wherever you go
• Make you feel guilty “It will be your fault if I kill myself”
• Blame you “You made me do it. If you'd just made the tea then it wouldn't have happened.”
• Bash you then blame something else “I didn't mean to do it, I just had a bad day at work”
• Make sure you know they're the boss – you have to do everything just like they want it
• Tell you what to wear, how you should do your hair and makeup
• Let the children see or hear violence.

Psychological violence:
• Attacks your emotions and personality, rather than your body.
• Makes you feel like you're going mad, makes your frightened, or you feel like it's all your fault.
• Is the most common form of violence experienced by women and children we see at women's refuge.
• Is the worst kind of violence, according to women who use refuge services.
• Is not recognised by many people because it is subtle, hidden, and manipulative.

  

Physical Violence

 

Physical assaults, and the threat of physical violence, back up the power of psychological violence.

 

Physical violence is:
• Punching
• Bashing
• Choking
• Slapping
• Pinching
• Kicking
• Hitting you with anything
• Biting
• Burning you with a cigarette
• Throwing things
• Strangling
• Pushing
• Pulling your hair
• Spitting or pissing on you
• Tying you up
• Holding you down
• Locking you in a cupboard
• Using a knife, gun, belt, or any other kind of weapon.

  

Sexual violence

Sexual assaults and abuse include:
• When an adult says sexual things, touches in a sexual way, or has any sexual contact with a child under 16
• Rape
• Forcing you to have sex
• Making you feel guilty if you say no to sex
• When you give in to sex to put them in a better mood or to avoid a hiding
• When you have sex so they will stop pestering you
• Making you do sexual things that hurt, make you feel ashamed, or bad
• Sexual harassment
• Unwanted sexual touching
• Forcing you to watch pornography
• When they keep having affairs and you don't like it
• Not using contraception when you ask them to
• Forcing you to get pregnant
• Not being allowed to take the pill
• Forcing you to have an abortion, or not letting you have one.
 

Economic violence

Financial or economic abuse involves:
• Stealing your money and belongings
• Controlling the money so you don't have a say
• Giving you an “allowance” that doesn't cover the bills while they spend all the money on themselves
• Checking all your receipts and the mileage on the car
• Keeping your money card and bank book
• Refusing to pay child support, or be named as the father
• Using your name for loans, credit cards, WINZ grants so that you get the debt
• Forcing you to sign a ‘prenuptial agreement'
• Forcing you to work
• Forcing you to sell drugs, or steal
• Making you go on the benefit illegally
• Not letting you go out to work or study
• Not letting you have your name on the house and other property.

Financial abuse can cause women and children to live in poverty, not being able to afford the basics, and having lts of debt in their name. Women who are suffering finacial abuse often can't rent a flat, get a loan, get the power or phone on because previous bills were unpaid and because debts were taken out in their name. They may have a criminal record and fines after taking the blame for the abuser, and they often have no access to money to enable them to leave the violent situation.

  

Spiritual violence

Spiritual violence includes:
• Stopping you from expressing your spiritual or religious beliefs
• Not letting you go to church/ temple
• Putting down or making fun of your whakapapa, beliefs, traditions, or culture                       
• Anything that attacks your wairua/spirit or stops you following your dreams or passions.

Spiritual abuse is about attacks to your wairua or spirit. All kinds of abuse can leave you feeling 'soul-less', empty, distant, with no purpose in life, no passion or joy. Abuse robs women and children of their mauri-ora or wellbeing. We recognise that people are suffering spiritual abuse when we say they are not 'grounded', there is 'no light in their eyes' or they are not 'inside themselves'. 

How violence affects women and children 


Some of the effects of abuse for women and children:
• Think you're going crazy
• Living in constant fear
• Feeling worthless/ useless
• Low self-esteem
• Feeling depressed
• Feeling out of control
• Distorted reality
• Feeling suicidal/ committing suicide
• Violent thoughts or actions
• Alcohol and drug abuse
• Mental illness
• Anxiety and worry
• Feeling whakamaa, shame, guilt, or embarrassment
• Withdrawing from family and friends
• Bad relationships between you and your children
• Eating and sleeping problems
• Post traumatic stress disorder
• Loss of energy, feeling apathetic
• Loss of community and culture
• Self-blame and self-harm
• Hurting others that are close
• Copying controlling and violent behaviour.


Some of the effects of physical and sexual violence for women and children are:
• Death
• Permanent disability (blindness, deafness, epilepsy, loss of mobility)
• Hospitalisation for broken bones, concussion, head and spinal injuries, gynaecological problems
• Losing an unborn baby, or birth defects
• Infertility
• Treatment for broken teeth, cuts, headaches, concussion
• Bruises, pain, trauma
• Isolation (staying home so people don't see the bruises; being avoided by others)
• Sexually transmitted diseases
• Unwanted pregnancies
• Sexual promiscuity
• Eating and sleeping disorders
• Hating or being ashamed of your body
• Not being able to have healthy sexual relationships
• As an adult, not being able to enjoy sex