Instead of asking “why doesn't she just leave”, try asking “why doesn't the abuser stop being violent?”
Leaving the violence sometimes take a while. It's common for women to make 4-7 attempts to leave before they are successful. There are many things that keep women in relationships with someone who abuses them. When people ask “why doesn't she leave”, it doesn't help. It just adds to the huge list of factors preventing women from getting away from the violence.
Leaving can be the most dangerous time
• Abusers often threaten to kill women, the children or themselves if she leaves.
• Many women are stalked and harassed by ex-partners.
• Violence can escalate when a Protection Order is served on the abuser.
• Even abusers in prison can send friends to assault or threaten women.
• If women leave they have less chance of predicting when violence will happen.
• Women who stay may be doing what they think is necessary to stay alive.
Lack of money
• Women may not have any access to the family's money.
• Some women, especially migrant women, may not know where to go for financial help or may not be eligible for Benefits.
• Older women may have never been allowed to deal with money, and they are worried they won't be able to survive.
• Going on the DPB may mean a huge drop in income and it might not cover all the bills.
• Women may feel they won't be able to get a job and support themselves.
• Women and children's standard of living often drops significantly when they leave.
No where to go
• If family and friends can't provide a place to stay, moving house can be very difficult for women with little money, or for women with disabilities or those who live in remote areas.
• Landlords may not want to rent to women if the violent person has caused problems in the household i.e. the bills haven't been paid, the neighbours have complained, and/or the house has been wrecked.
• Women believe that no one else will want them.
Fear of losing the children
• Abusers often threaten to inform CYFS that women are bad mothers/ crazy/ abusive.
• Abusers often say that if she leaves, they will never let her get the kids.
• Mistrust of government and legal systems can mean women are unwilling to allow authorities to become involved.
• If the abuser has access to the children, the woman cannot control what happens while she is not there.
• The children might not want their father to leave.
Belief in family values
• Women may believe that the family should stay together for the sake of the children, or that marriage/commitment is for life.
• The religious or cultural beliefs of some families mean that they pressure women to stay despite the violence.
• Women may believe that there needs to be a male around for the sake of the children.
Not being believed
• Many people still don't understand about family violence and blame women.
• Despite the realities of violence in lesbian relationships, many people believe that violence doesn't happen in lesbian relationships, or they think the violence is not as bad for lesbians; or it's “mutual”.
• Some people think women “make it up” to get back at men.
• Sometimes Police and Judges don't help or don't take violence seriously.
• It might be hard for people to accept that there is violence if an older women has hidden it all her life.
• Abusers can be charming, friendly, and respected people in the community.
Still feeling some love
• Women want the violence to stop but they might still have feelings for the person that is abusing them.
• Women may remember the charming person that the abuser was in the beginning.
• Despite the violence, there may have been times of companionship and socialising, and the woman may not want to be left alone.
• Women might think that they can change the abuser.
• Abusers often promise to change.
Social isolation
• Abusers often isolate women, and make it difficult for women to have friends or stay in touch with their whanau/family.
• Migrant women and lesbians may feel ashamed or unsafe about speaking out in their close-knit communities.
• Women may risk losing a lot by leaving: a house, friends, money, status, etc.
Not wanting to be judged by others
• Some women feel so whakamaa/ashamed they are unable to tell others.
• Women may keep quiet in case people see them as a failure, a weak or bad person.
• Women who are abused can have low confidence and self-esteem.
• There are still many social expectations about being in a couple, and children needing two parents, which make it difficult for women to leave.
• Women may feel ashamed and guilty that they have hit the abuser, planned to hurt him, or have hit their children.
Seeing abuse as normal
• If women have been brought up in violent families, they might not know that there is any other way.
A combination of negative social attitudes towards women, economic factors, lack of social supports for women and their children and a lack of awareness about family violence, mean that it is often very difficult for women to leave an abuser.
We acknowledge the amazing courage and strength of those women who are able to overcome the barriers and leave.