When I first came to Refuge, I didn't know how I'd manage with mixing with other people. I was used to being with just the children, but to my surprise the workers are so loving and supportive. And sharing experiences with other residents, really strengthens me. It's so much better to talk and get the hurt out in the open.
My four year old son was so frightened of his daddy, I used to have to, in the middle of the night, get him out from under his bed where he was hiding and put him back under the covers. Even now, the nightmares that he has make me feel so sorry that I didn't leave the relationship earlier. I had set up a lovely home in Auckland, which I had to leave and move right out of the city to another town. That still really hurts and will for some time. I am finding setting ourselves up now very hard and I had a lot of trouble about whether leaving was the right idea. But the abuse, and not being able to see or relate to anyone, was much more painful than the difficulties in setting ourselves back up again.
I have only one girlfriend left and she has stuck by me all the way, even though I was not allowed to see her. When my husband would go out, I would go out and ring her. It was good to have her there, so understanding and not negative. I was stopped from seeing her because we related so well - my husband thought she was a lesbian.
My husband's mum and dad wiped him as well, and so he was stopped from seeing them too, but they also stayed beside me and I also gave them quick phone calls here and there to let them know how their grandsons were.
Now when I sit and think about the past, my husband must be a very sick man, but at least in my mind I have peace, because I really did try by going with him to all sorts of counsellors and group talks.
Both my sons are now settling down, even though the mental scars are probably going to last a long time and it's going to take me a long time before I can trust another man. But I am glad I made the decision to leave before I didn't have a life to decide with.